“All At Sea…”

 

 

You know those days (or weeks in my case), where nothing seems to go right?  You get bad news from the doctor, you have an issue at work, an argument with someone, etc…  And it all seems to happen at once.

I’ve had one of those weeks. One disaster after the other until finally at 4 am when my new cat wakes me up, again in the middle of the night (who just may become an outdoor cat if this continues), I am lying in bed thinking of all that’s bothering me.  I start listening to Springsteen’s “Born To Run” as loud as the speakers would go, seriously considering getting in my car and driving to New York just to get a way from it all.  Ah, yes…the beauty and freedom of living alone half of the time…anyone who feels sorry for the single person is clearly suffering from a bad case of jealousy.

I love driving to the city in the early morning, just takes my breath away.  The sun comes up, and there’s a dreamy, misty feel to the air over the buildings and bridges.  My fantasy of escaping has become more and more prevalent these days.

I keep dreaming of the extraordinary life that I crave full of fun and adventure.  I imagine hopping on the back of a motorcycle or in a fast car with some fabulous guy and taking off without any idea where we’ll end up.  A place without all the day-to-day bullshit in my life.  A place that shines so bright you can feel the warmth of the sunlight filling your soul and can feel your heart dance to the tunes cranking from the speakers.

But like a grown-up, I realize that I have responsibilities.  The most prevalent at this point is my doctor’s appointment at 9 am.  I’ve been having some health issues, and I know I need to go.

So I tell myself maybe I can skip town right afterwards.  But then realize I have yet another responsibility the following day that I can’t get out of.  Dammit…. OK, maybe I head out Wednesday night at 6pm.  I can make it to NY by 9, catch a concert at 10 or 11 and stay until Friday.  I’m golden.

But since I can’t escape just yet, I spend my morning doing the same thing I do when I feel angry, frustrated, sad, happy, excited….I listen to music.  My mood determines what I listen to.

If I’m feeling like I want to relax, I put on some Miles Davis or John Coltrane.  If I feel like dancing and just goofing off, maybe some Jay-Z.  If I’m feeling romantic and dreamy, my beloved Jamie Cullum or Ella Fitzgerald.  If I need to be soothed, Cinematic Orchestra or Frank Sinatra. If I’m happily pumped up and excited, something like The Smashing Pumpkins or The Foo Fighters.  If I want to boost my spirits, The Beatles or Ray Charles.  If I’m angry, Rage Against The Machine…

However, this particular morning I was listening to Springsteen and wondered what I looked like driving to my appointment with my car stereo cranked and me singing along.

I get to the doctor and what happens when I walk in, all pumped up?!?  I am unhappily greeted by the stereo speakers playing country music.  Now I hope not to offend, but I love all kinds of music…and I mean ALL (after all, how many people do you know that listen to both Public Enemy and Puccini?)…but I can’t stomach country music.

It’s the only music I don’t like.  I actually feel physically ill when I hear it.  So I’m not too pleased, and I’m tempted to ask the receptionist to either turn it off or get me a paper bag… But of course, I’m nice and just smile, keeping my frustrations to myself.

Thankfully, I get called in right away before I am tempted to take the receptionist’s clipboard and accidentally knock over the stereo…

Still thinking about all the garbage I’ve been dealing with this week and still hearing music in my head, the nurse asks to take my blood pressure.  I laugh and say, “don’t bother today, it’s high…trust me!”  And it was…I’m normally 90-something/50-something….I was almost 130 for the top number.

I then discuss some heart issues, and that I had multiple palpitations that morning (again, thanks to stress).  The NP wants to do an EKG and then mentions wearing a 24-hour heart monitor to see what’s going on.  I suggest we do that another day when I’m not so agitated.  She agrees…

As the next two days continue, things just seem to keep spiraling downward even more.  So I say to myself, “Kim, it’s all going to be OK….just imagine you are already in the city listening to some great music in a club…an awesome rock band with heavy drums and screaming guitar…you are far away from here and its going to be great”….6pm can’t come soon enough…

But my hopes of escaping are met with more bad news…I do a quick check on Facebook (where I haven’t spent much time lately) and one of my friends posts  that there is a Nor’Easter coming our way…possibly a foot of snow!

I can hear myself say “Damn you Mother Nature, You’re another kind of Mother today!!”.

Seriously?!?  My one chance to get out of this place!  I have been needing to get away to NY for at least a month, and just when I thought I was so close….Uugh.  What now?!?

I’m trapped in the hell hole, there’s no escaping…

But honestly, there never is…  For many times in my life when I just can’t take it anymore and plan a spontaneous trip out of town, I am always reminded of the same thing…you can’t run away.  Because the problems you have, live within you.  I could be here, or I could be there, but I am still going to feel awful.  The pit in my stomach will still be there.  The pain in my chest will still be there, and the feeling that I just can’t breathe in all the way, will still be there.  There’s a change of scenery, which is definitely helpful, but it won’t fix anything.

However, I know I can’t just sit with this uncomfortable feeling, so once again turning to music, this time I decide to play rather than listen.

I sit down at the piano and begin to work on a piece I am trying to master, “The Nearness of You”.  I just love this song.  It’s so pretty and peaceful…soothing….

Since college, I have learned a trick.  When life feels overwhelming and you’re stressed, you need something enjoyable to focus on, that requires your undivided attention.  It’s a form of meditation, I believe.  Meditation is really about bringing focus to the present moment.  When you pick an activity to focus on, that’s exactly what you are doing.  When I was a kid, solving math problems seemed to be what worked for me.  Now, its music.

Since I have been re-learning the piano, it takes me a while.  I often have to stop and try to figure out the notes, the right counting and rhythm, but I go slow and focus on one measure at a time.

Within just a few minutes I feel better.  I feel focused on something positive rather than letting my mind think about all the different struggles I’ve had lately.  Focusing is good.

So I decide that while I can’t change my scenery right now, I can create a peaceful environment anyway.  I have turned off my phone, I have set the vacation responder on my email.  I’m shutting down for a few days.  Going to do non-internet related work (right after publishing this post), take on a house project, and play more piano.  I am “All At Sea…” (see lyrics below)

I share this story because we all get stressed, depressed, angry, frustrated, and at times, we all need a break.  Take it.  Don’t be afraid to turn off the phone, turn off the computer, and find something pleasurable to do to just relax and re-charge.

For me, I need to shut down.  I need to turn everything off and just kick back and listen to or play music.  If something is stressing me, I set it aside and choose not to deal with it right now.  If someone is stressing me, I choose not to deal with them, either.  I need to do this.  We all need to do this from time to time

Take the breaks you need, set your boundaries, guilt-free, and knowing you deserve it.

My favorite Jaime Cullum song, “All At Sea”.  A perfect title and song for this post.  It’s from his first major album, “Twentysomething”.

All At Sea- Lyrics

Music & Lyrics by Jamie Cullum

I’m all at sea
Where no one can bother me
Forgot my roots
If only for a day

Just me and my thoughts
sailing far away

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea

I’m all at sea
Where no one can bother me
I sleep by myself
I drink on my own
Don’t speak to nobody
I gave away my phone

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea

Now I need you more than ever, I need you more than ever, now

You don’t need it every day
But sometimes don’t you just crave
To disappear within your mind
You never know what you might find
So come and spend some time with me
We will spend it all at sea

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jamie_cullum/